"Van Dorn Gourmets Onion Dip Mix and Bath Bomb:
Remember last December when I lambasted Brian's Bistro Spices for their questionable 'severed head on a platter' packaging design? Well, I recently received a letter from Brian himself, wherein he notes, "Since sending you my spices, I've realized that my 'head on a platter" logo really meant that my head was up my ass." Appreciating his candor, we decided to give his newly rebranded 'Van Dorn Gourmets' line another shot. First up is the Onion Dip Mix. To be honest, I didn't expect much. I mean, you know the drill. You get a packet of onion soup mix, dump it into a tub of sour cream, stir, and gluttonize. I thought all onion powder was created equal, but Brian's rich, potent blend stands (severed) head and shoulders above the rest. Sorry, Campbell's.
I also tested a sample of Van Dorn's Green Tea Bath Bomb from their new Bath Gourmets collection. You know, because nothing else complements stuff you eat quite like stuff you soak your big hairy ass in. As a dude, there are only two things I feel qualified to say about a 'bath bomb'. One: When I threw it in the tub, I was disappointed that it didn't explode. Two: It does not taste like green tea. At all. vandorngourmets.com
VERDICT: Van Dorn pulls ahead by losing a head."
Words by: Marcus Alexander Hart